It never fails that as the sun sets and the world gets quiet, my mind looks for those things that will prevent it’s rest. Last night it was a deep dive into my very being. As I approach the full understanding of what it really means to create my reality and knowing that we are actually all one consciousness, the void I feel inside me wells up with angst and hesitation combined with an intense sense of not being able to look away. I see such judgment, anger and resentment. It is eating me alive. They have become my predominant emotions and I know there are others, equally as potent. I know I must look and see them to fully understand why I hold on to them so strongly.
Logically, if I understand I create my reality, that means all of it. Not just the “good” parts. All the hate I see in the News, all the abused animals I see on Facebook, all the homeless feeling neglect and harm…the suffering and struggle are all my creations. Gasp! Me! God what a horrible person I must be. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I have done this.
But here I was alive and wide awake at 2:07 am. What did I want to say to my world? I start with “I’m so sorry”. I sob “I am sorry!”. I saw so many images flash through my mind. I started listing the things I am sorry for…poverty, illness, cancer, corruption, dishonesty, betrayal, manipulation, hunger, anger, repulsion, all forms of struggling and suffering and even death. I am sure there were many more. I felt myself not only taking responsibility for creating these concepts but also weeping for having unleashed them in my world. The feeling was intense and I felt like a child repenting for my actions. The next feeling was one of forgiveness. Forgiveness for creating as well as perpetuating these things. I was so shocked at the flooding in of that feeling. It was like rain on a parched riverbed. I couldn’t get enough. The more I forgave myself the more I wanted to forgive – everything and everyone. It was the most powerful emotion I have experienced in a long time. I saw the forgiveness wash over my entire existence. Every nook and cranny. Nothing could hide from it.
It wasn’t until I felt the forgiveness fill my being that I found myself thinking about someone and feeling the connection in such a way I have not remembered in a long time. I was able to see the role they had played in my world and understood how they were the visual and interactive representation of my creations – all of them. They were a reflection of me playing out another facet of my creation. Each action and interaction a message to me about my creation. I saw how my judgment was projected on them for me to see. I saw this is where I stayed lost. Always someone else making my life harder or a struggle for me. Another wow! I felt such a sense of gratitude for this intricate “show” I had created for myself. I will never be able to see another in the old way again. I knew all those deep feelings of judgment, anger and resentment were unheard and unanswered messages from myself about my world I was creating. The messages have been heard and answered and my world feels completely different this morning! I am grateful for my dark night of the soul!