Woman on pier with arms outstretched looking at the sunrise

Dark Night of the Soul


It never fails that as the sun sets and the world gets quiet, my mind looks for those things that will prevent it’s rest. Last night it was a deep dive into my very being. As I approach the full understanding of what it really means to create my reality and knowing that we are actually all one consciousness, the void I feel inside me wells up with angst and hesitation combined with an intense sense of not being able to look away. I see such judgment, anger and resentment. It is eating me alive. They have become my predominant emotions and I know there are others, equally as potent. I know I must look and see them to fully understand why I hold on to them so strongly.

Logically, if I understand I create my reality, that means all of it. Not just the “good” parts. All the hate I see in the News, all the abused animals I see on Facebook, all the homeless feeling neglect and harm…the suffering and struggle are all my creations. Gasp! Me! God what a horrible person I must be. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I have done this.

But here I was alive and wide awake at 2:07 am. What did I want to say to my world? I start with “I’m so sorry”. I sob “I am sorry!”. I saw so many images flash through my mind. I started listing the things I am sorry for…poverty, illness, cancer, corruption, dishonesty, betrayal, manipulation, hunger, anger, repulsion, all forms of struggling and suffering and even death. I am sure there were many more. I felt myself not only taking responsibility for creating these concepts but also weeping for having unleashed them in my world. The feeling was intense and I felt like a child repenting for my actions. The next feeling was one of forgiveness. Forgiveness for creating as well as perpetuating these things. I was so shocked at the flooding in of that feeling. It was like rain on a parched riverbed. I couldn’t get enough. The more I forgave myself the more I wanted to forgive – everything and everyone. It was the most powerful emotion I have experienced in a long time. I saw the forgiveness wash over my entire existence. Every nook and cranny. Nothing could hide from it.

It wasn’t until I felt the forgiveness fill my being that I found myself thinking about someone and feeling the connection in such a way I have not remembered in a long time. I was able to see the role they had played in my world and understood how they were the visual and interactive representation of my creations – all of them. They were a reflection of me playing out another facet of my creation. Each action and interaction a message to me about my creation. I saw how my judgment was projected on them for me to see. I saw this is where I stayed lost. Always someone else making my life harder or a struggle for me. Another wow! I felt such a sense of gratitude for this intricate “show” I had created for myself. I will never be able to see another in the old way again. I knew all those deep feelings of judgment, anger and resentment were unheard and unanswered messages from myself about my world I was creating. The messages have been heard and answered and my world feels completely different this morning! I am grateful for my dark night of the soul!

7 thoughts on “Dark Night of the Soul”

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